Dreams and a vision for our future are wonderful things to have. They can inspire us, keep us motivated and help us take that leap into the deep end. But what happens when we don’t achieve our dreams? What happens when you wake up in the middle of your life and realize you haven’t done the things you thought or hoped you would?
If you had shown me a picture, 10 years ago, of what my life would look like today, you would have had to scrape me off the floor. There would have been disbelief and a whole lot of ugly crying. I’d probably have trust issues and wear way too much sunscreen, and ride my bike in shoulder pads, so I’m glad I didn’t get the memo. But I’m oddly the happiest I’ve ever been in my life today. I am proud to be able to truly say that and know that if it all ended tomorrow, I’d be the happiest person alive. I’m proud of my life and at peace. I have everything I need. I'm head over heels in love with it.
Dreams vs. Real Life
Back in my early twenties (sorry T-Swift, I was NOT feeling 22), in the thick of finishing my undergrad degree, my dream was to get my Ph.D. and write great books, run a company, make a colossal impact on the health of Americans, be a millionaire by 30, and also dreamed of making it to the top of whatever sport I was pursuing.
Fast forward to 25 and I’d downgraded to a dual master’s degree, was content running Thanksgiving half-marathons and weekend bike rides and was working a corporate job taking orders from “the man” just for benefits and a 401k. And while those are still incredible achievements in most people’s eyes, I felt defeated and disillusioned. I had dreams and didn’t achieve them. In my eyes, all I could see was failure and mediocracy.
Thankfully, through a few big wake-up calls presented by "life", after discovering concepts like minimizing, quality relationships, and slow, intentional living, I began to see what was really important. And I’ve discovered the most surprising thing. Most days I feel a deep, unshakeable joy – despite my failed dreams. In fact, this joy is present not just despite, but because of my failed dreams. I am joyful because I know that I’m exactly where I’m meant to be.
I am grateful
I try and practice gratitude daily. But there’s a trick. I try and keep it simple. I used to have a gratitude journal and I never used it. It’s not always the stereotypical list, sometimes it’s a small thought in the middle of a full day. Practicing gratitude doesn’t have to be a full 20-minute routine. A grateful heart is just a feeling. It’s the feeling I get when I’m out cycling and hear birds chirping on a sunny day, or the feeling when I see my dog be so excited over chasing a tennis ball.
When we haven’t achieved our dreams it’s easy to fall into resentment and begin the toxic spiral of secretly wishing ill on others. Gratitude can reduce feelings of resentment by boosting our self-esteem. Joy happens when you practice appreciation instead of envy.
I look for happiness in the journey, not the destination
I used to think “I’ll be happy when make $XYZ” or “I’ll be happy when I have met Mr. Right”. My happiness often depended on these big life events that I thought needed to happen. I didn’t realize that happiness isn’t always found in these concrete achievements or milestones. Happiness is more often found on the way there.
I don’t remember the day I got my first promotion, but I do remember the long nights spent researching projects and the pride I felt when I got the big tasks right. Happiness wasn’t what I felt crossing the finish line after my 13th 13.1 (dumb goal I set in 2015. Don’t ever do it.). But I have many happy memories of training that whole year with my dog running alongside me- rain or shine. In both cases, the journey was more life-giving and joyful than the destination.
I seek simple things
These days I’m far more likely to find real happiness having brunch with my friends after a great bike ride than winning a big race. I get immense joy from little things. Simple things. I’ve made a habit of bringing my awareness to the little things that go unnoticed if you’re not careful. I feel more joy over simple things, things I have no control over than those I’ve worked for years on.
Finding joy in the day-to-day monotony is important. Big goals or not, there will always be laundry to fold, and dishes to wash. If we can’t find true joy in our everyday ordinary lives, then it’s unlikely we will find it in the extraordinary.
I celebrate my life so far
When I stop to think about my life so far at 28, I realize that this mediocre life I thought I was living is far from mediocre. I’ve ‘achieved’ and learned far more than I sometimes give myself credit for. And all of the quirky, weird things about me are the things that make my life so unique. I believe that loving the qualities (good and bad) you are born with are the key to unlocking a fulfilling life.
I accept that life is seasonal
Understanding that life is seasonal has been one of the most freeing things I’ve ever experienced. Humans beings are an extension of nature. Which means we are bound by the laws of seasons, just as nature is. We need our lives to be seasonal. Understanding the need for winter, and rest has been a hard lesson, but worth learning.
When I allow myself to fully be in the season, I am more accepting of the things I can’t control.
I seek connection over achievement
When I started reading about minimalism and essentialism a few years ago, I fairly quickly realized that it wasn’t about the ‘stuff.’ I could declutter all I wanted but if I wasn’t focusing on what was essential at the same time then it would all be for nothing.
At its heart, minimalism, or slow living is all about paring back to the basics in life. Cutting out the extraneous noise to focus on the things that truly matter. Like connecting with others on their journey and know that someone always has it worse than you.
The reality is tough
Our dreams won’t always eventuate. We will often deviate from the path we think we should be on. Sometimes a failed dream is what we need to show us what life is really about. We don’t have to live extraordinary lives to be extraordinarily happy. Don’t hold the destination so close but look out the window and enjoy the ride!