How to Stay Positive When Things Don't Go as Planned

How often do you let go of what you think your life is supposed to look like, and sincerely appreciate it for everything it is?

If you’re anything like me, it’s probably not often enough. Because finding sincere gratitude is much easier said than done in the hustle of life, especially when hard times hit.

If you know me, you probably know that I’m fitness obsessed. Not just as an avid bike racer, but someone who would be interested in training for any physical challenge presented. Half marathons? Done. Crossfit? Done. Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and Muay Thai? Done. Figure competitions? Done. Olympic lifting? Done. Tough Mudders? Done. Train to Hunt (like obstacle racing with a bow and arrow requiring you to control your HR and shoot at targets)? Done. Plunging into remote icy lakes for fun? Done. Trekking 120 miles to the Matterhorn over the highest peaks in Switzerland? Done. The list goes on.

So, you probably can go ahead and guess the level of my enthusiasm when every Spring since March 2017 I’ve been injured to the point of not being able to train for 6 weeks minimum.

March 2017- stage 3 Melanoma and underwent surgery to remove a malignant tumor and lymph nodes. Because the skin wouldn’t stretch to cover the size of the mass taken off, they removed skin from my back and moved it down to my knee. I was immobile for a month.

May 2018- scar revision to the previous surgery because the scar tissue was affecting my way of life. This also required a month of doing nothing.

April 2019- Grade 5 AC Separation surgery. The bright spot: could walk this go around.

Consequently, it seems like I spend each Summer in the heat constantly chasing my lost fitness acquired from the Winter. It’s tough watching all of my friends be at the top of their game when I’m trying re-gain everything. It’s a dangerous game that can mess with your head if you let it. I used to get upset and wonder “why me?” or think that everyone else didn’t have to work half as hard as I did.

But each go around I’ve learned to be a bit stronger and a bit more grateful. Gratitude is the key that gets you through the hard times. Here are a few things I’ve learned.

1. Be grateful around difficult people.

We expect people to treat us kindly, fairly, and respectfully. But the reality is some people won’t. They will lose their tempers or act foolishly, regardless of how we treat them. This must be accepted.

When you’re forced to deal with a difficult person, you can be grateful for having other people in your life who are far less difficult. You can be grateful for having a way to practice being better at patience, communication, and tempering your expectations. You can think of this person as a teacher who is inadvertently helping you to grow stronger as a person. And, at the very least, you can be grateful for them because they serve as a great reminder of how not to be.

2. Be grateful when you catch yourself starting to complain.

I was the queen of complaining after my first surgery. I once threw my crutches and then cried because I couldn’t get back to them. Gratitude is the antidote. Each time you notice yourself feeling bitter, or complaining, notice the story in your mind about “how life should be.” Instead of letting this story dominate you, find a small way to be grateful instead. What could you feel grateful for right now? What could you appreciate about this moment? In my case, I was grateful that more medical work wasn’t needed and that many patients at a hospital would happily trade with me. Remember, there’s always something to be negative about—and something to be grateful for. The choice is ours.

3. Find gratitude during career struggles.

No one wins at chess by only moving forward; sometimes you have to move backward to put yourself in a position to win. And that’s a good metaphor for your life’s work too.

As painful as changing or losing your job is, it’s an ending that leads to the beginning of everything that comes next. Let the heaviness of being successful be replaced by the lightness of starting over. This new beginning is the start of a different story, the opportunity to refresh your life, to reinvent who you are.

A quote I always like to read back to myself weekly is, “Honor the space between no longer and not yet.”

4. Find gratitude amid health problems.

Even though I was fortunate enough to not go through chemotherapy or be presented with a ‘life remaining estimate’, hearing someone say “you have cancer and it’s not early” can rattle you quite a bit. It was in that moment that I had the shock of my life. I was 26 and frustrated with my current place in life. But I knew then that I didn’t want to leave the world as an average adult hating their job and ‘waiting’ for the right time in their life to do something.

To put it simply, I didn’t want to spend my life climbing a ladder to one day realize it was leaning against the wrong wall the entire time. I am eternally grateful for my health problems because it lit a fire under me that still burns bright today. I know how short life is and that a few words can change everything. I am more appreciative of the ups and downs. I love deeply. I find joy in the little things. Because you never know what will happen tomorrow.

5. Find gratitude when someone exits your life

As we know firsthand, when you lose someone you can’t imagine living without, your heart breaks wide open. And the bad news is you never completely get over the loss—you will never forget them. However, we have the ability to push through the experience, and even find meaning in it.

Ultimately, we grow to appreciate that although loss is an ending, it is also a necessary part of living. Although deeply sad, the forfeiture forces us to gradually reinvent our lives, and in this reinvention is an opportunity to experience beauty in new, unseen ways and places.

Life’s disappointments and struggles are not easy to find gratitude for, but they can become incredible paths of growth if we find the lessons in them—if we start to see everything as our teacher. Truly, the best time to focus on being grateful is when you don’t feel like it. Because that’s when doing so can make the biggest difference.