How to Deal With Toxic People

Don’t let toxic people rent space in your head. Raise the rent and get them out of there.

Surviving the ups, downs, and lightning storms of other people’s behavior can be quite a challenge, especially when it’s someone you care about.  It’s important, though, to remember that some negative people may be going through a difficult stage in their lives.  They may be ill, chronically worried, or lacking what they need in terms of love and emotional support.  Such people need to be listened to, supported, and cared for.

But there’s another type of moody, negative behavior: that of the toxic bully, who will use his or her insecurities and negativity to intimidate and influence others. If you observe these people closely, you will notice that their attitude is overly self-referential.  Their relationships are prioritized according to how each one can be used to meet their desired social projection.  This is the kind of toxic behavior I want to look at in this post.

The difficult thing about toxic relationships is that even though you see the signs, it is still a challenge to leave. So how can you best manage the fallout from other people’s relentless toxicity? And I’ll go ahead and say, it’s a hard step to take, but well worth it in the end for your own sanity.

1.  Move on without them.

If you know someone who insists on destructively dictating the emotional atmosphere, then be clear: they are toxic.  If you are suffering because of their attitude, and your compassion, patience, advice, and general attentiveness doesn’t seem to help them, and they don’t seem to care one bit, then ask yourself, “Do I need this person in my life?”

Seriously, be strong and know when enough is enough! 

A healthy relationship is reciprocal; it should be give and take, but not in the sense that you’re always giving and they’re always taking. 

2.  Stop pretending their toxic behavior is OK.

If you’re not careful, toxic people can use their bad behavior to get preferential treatment, because… well… it just seems easier to go along with them than to disagree.  Don’t be fooled.  Short-term ease equals long-term pain for you in a situation like this.  Toxic people don’t change if they are being rewarded by their peers for not changing. 

Constant drama and speaking badly about others are never worth putting up with.  If someone over age 21 can’t be a self-confident, mature adult on a regular basis, it’s time to…

3.  Speak up!

I realize this is easier said than done. Some people will do anything for their own fulfilment or attention at the expense of others – bully and belittle, pass guilt, etc.  Do not accept this behavior.  Most of these people know they’re doing the wrong thing and will back down surprisingly quickly when confronted.  In most social settings people tend to keep quiet until one person speaks up, so SPEAK UP.

Some toxic people may use their power as a way of influencing you, or they may not respond to you when you’re trying to communicate or interrupt you and suddenly start speaking negatively about something dear to you. 

Confront them on this. You could say, “Is what I’m speaking about boring you?”

And if they persist in denial, it might be time to…

4.  Put your foot down.

Your dignity may be attacked, ravaged and disgracefully mocked, but it can never be taken away unless you willingly surrender it.  It’s all about finding the strength to defend your boundaries.

Demonstrate that you won’t be insulted or belittled.  To be honest, I’ve never had much luck trying to call truly toxic people (the worst of the worst) out when they’ve continuously insulted me.  The best response I’ve received is a snarky, “I’m sorry you took what I said so personally.”  Much more effective has been ending conversations with sickening sweetness or just plain abruptness.  The message is clear:  There is no reward for subtle digs and no games will be played at your end.

Truly toxic people will pollute everyone around them, including you if you allow them.  If you’ve tried reasoning with them and they aren’t budging, don’t hesitate to vacate their space and ignore them until they do.

5.  Don’t take their toxic behavior personally.

It’s them, not you.  KNOW this.

Even when the situation seems personal – even if you feel directly insulted – it usually has nothing to do with you.  What they say and do, and the opinions they have, are based entirely on their own self-reflection. 

6.  Take time for yourself.

If you are forced to live or work with a toxic person, then make sure you get enough alone time to relax, rest, and recuperate.  Having to play the role of a “focused, rational adult” in the face of toxic negativity can be exhausting, and if you’re not careful, the toxicity can infect you. You may begin you start making jabs at people because that’s what bonds you with them. When this happens, you must take a step back. You deserve to think peacefully, free from external pressure and influence of bad behavior. Sometimes you need to make time for yourself, away from the busy world you live in that doesn’t make time for you.