Our feelings of self-doubt affects everything we do. It makes us more stressed, less happy, anxious, depressed, stuck, procrastinating, less present in relationships (family, friends, romantic), less focused, more likely to reach for comfort foods or distraction or mindless shopping to comfort ourselves from the stress and pain of being who we are.
Last week, I got my booty handed to me at my first pro stage race where I bit off a bit more than I could chew. Admittedly, I wasn't my usual happy self Saturday evening, but took some time to reflect and wrote this. Then everything shifted.
Here are a few thoughts that help me get through less than ideal times in life:
1. Be where you are.
Sadly, only a tiny percentage of the people in this world will actually experience their lives today. So many of us will be stuck on another day, another time and place that troubled us and caused us to spiritually stumble, and thus we will miss out on life as we’re living it. Realize this. Do not allow your spirit to be softened or your happiness to be limited by a time and place you cannot get back to, or a day that does not yet exist.
Remember, no matter what, you can always fight the battles of just today. And if your present bad mood is preventing you from sharing and experiencing the successes of others around you, that's a real problem.
2. Look deep within.
Remember that there is a place within you that you can go to at any moment. It is calm and full of love. Forget about the noise of the world is reciting to you. Forget about his and her opinion. Look within.
Remind yourself that you are not your body. You are not your results. You are not your past or future. You are not what others expect of you. The essence of your being is your character and love and it is within you right now.
3. Talk it out.
Ever feel totally out of your element? Like you’re due to be discovered for the “fraud” that you are? This is what psychologists call the “impostor syndrome” — where you constantly feel like everyone around you has their act together, but you don’t. And the more others recognize your achievements, the more you feel like a fake. Because as you enhance your knowledge — as you expand the scope of what you know — you’ll inevitably be exposed to more and more of what you don’t know, and thus you may begin to subconsciously discredit what you do know. It’s a bizarre cycle.
Again, “Impostorism” is, for many of us, a natural symptom of gaining expertise. Move up the ranks in life, and you’ll inevitably encounter more talented people to compare yourself negatively against. The cycle never stops, and we all get caught up in it in some way. For example. I’ve been complimented before for how strong I've gotten or how well I've done career wise, yet I can never accept the compliment. I always feel like I still have such a long way to go and that my achievements are nothing short of mediocre on a good day.
The solution is to talk it out with a trusted friend, partner, or coach. Talk about your insecurities more, and let them do the same. Admittedly, it’s a hard conversation to initiate, so in the mean time just remember that everyone feels like an impostor sometimes — it’s not just you.
4. Relax the tension.
One of the hardest lessons in life is letting go. Whether it’s feelings of guilt, anger, disappointment, loss or betrayal. Change is never easy. We fight to hold and we fight to let go. But we must eventually let GO. There’s no point in stressing over what you can’t change. Stop over-thinking it. Let it be, and allow yourself to grow from the experience.
Perhaps you’re annoyed by someone, frustrated at work, overwhelmed by all your obligations, or just upset by some aspect of your life. And your tight mental grasp of the circumstance creates a tension in your body and unhappiness in your mind. Learn to locate the tension, breathe, and say that it is not going to have power over you.
5. Give yourself credit.
Stop discrediting yourself for everything you aren’t, and start giving yourself credit for everything that you are. Behind you is infinite power, before you is endless possibility, around you is boundless opportunity.
You’ve lived You’ve learned You’ve come a long way You’ve survived all your bad days You’re still growing
6. Give things space.
“If you want to control your animals, give them a larger pasture.” That’s a quote my long-time equestrian coach taught me. It basically means changing your attitude about the things you can’t change or don’t need to change.
I see “the animals” and their “larger pasture” as a form of letting go and allowing things to be the way they are — instead of trying to tightly control something, you’re loosening up, giving it more space, a larger pasture. The animals will be happier — they will roam around and do what they naturally do. And yet your needs will be met too — you will have more space to be at peace with the way the animals are.
This same philosophy holds true for many aspects of life — stepping back and allowing certain things to happen means these things will take care of themselves, and your needs will also be met. You will have less stress (and less to do), and more time and energy to work on the things that truly matter — the things you actually can control — like your self-care, and your attitude about everything.
7. Change your response.
What can we do when someone close to us is being annoying, irritating, rude or just generally difficult? What can we do when their negativity brings us down? What can we do when other people say unkind things about us?
Well, assuming we’re not in any sort of real danger and we don’t need to physically protect ourselves, the best choice is often a simple mindset shift. Rather than trying to change the other person, we change our response to them.